Vermont Temperature Conversion
Chart
60 above: New Yorkers try to turn on the heat. People in Vt plant gardens.
50 above: Californians shiver uncontrollably. People in Vt sunbathe.
40 above: Italian cars won't start. People in Vt drive with the windows down.
32 above: Distilled water freezes. Lake champlain's water gets thicker.
20 above: Floridians wear coats, gloves and woolly hats. People in Vt throw on a sweatshirt.
15 above: NY landlords finally turn up the heat. Vt'rs have the last cook-out before it gets cold.
0: People in Miami cease to exist.. Vermonters lick the flagpole.
20 below: Californians fly away to Mexico. People in Vt get out their winter coats.
40 below: Hollywood disintegrates. The Girl Scouts in Vt begin selling cookies door to door.
60 below: Polar bears begin to evacuate Antarctica. VT's Boy Scouts postpone "Winter Survival" classes until it gets cold enough.
80 below: Mt. St. Helen's freezes. People in Vt rent some videos.
100 below: Santa Claus abandons the North Pole. Vt'rs get frustrated when they can't thaw the keg.
297 below: Microbial life survives on dairy products. Cows in Vt complain of farmers with cold hands.
460 below: ALL atomic motion stops. People in Vt start saying...."Cold 'nuff for ya?"
500 below: Hell freezes over. The New England Patriots win the Super Bowl.
You ever bragged about your driving time to Toronto.
You ever crossed the border just --
to buy beer at Brewer's Retail, because you think it has more alcohol than what's sold in the US
to buy cheese
to buy fireworks
to eat at a Chinese restaurant
to attend the "Canadian Ballet"
to buy gasoline (in the early 1980s)
to buy clogs (in the late 1970s)
You still call --
Bon-Ton "AM&A's"
Ralph Wilson Stadium "Rich Stadium"
North Americare Park "Pilot Field"
Kauffman's "Hengerer's"
Quality Markets "Bells"
Buffalo State College "State Teacher's"
Daemen College "Rosary Hill College"
Adelphia Cable "Courier Cable" or "International Cable"
Super Flea "GEX"
You have a favorite Greek "family" restaurant.
Your mother still has an old metal "downtown charge plate" in her purse.
You see apartments listed in the paper by church parish -- and you know where all of them are.
You use the word "the" before the numbers of expressways, like "The 290," "The 90," "The 400" and so on.
You save Canadian coins ... to use at toll booths and parking meters.
You've held a "waveathon" at four way stop intersections ("No, you go ...")
When someone a speaks of "family restaurant," you think of names like "The Olympus," "The Acropolis," and "The Agean," not Denny's or Perkins.
You can tell what part of town someone is from because of their accent. Especially dat der Chickatavaga town der, an' de freggin' Wesside.
You ever feasted on these treats --
real chicken wings (not "Buffalo wings")
real beef on weck ... and you call it "beef on wick"
real pizza, with no crust, cut lengthwise into strips
real horseradish
charcoal broiled hot dogs
Niagara Street clams
pierogies
placek
Weber's mustard
Texas hots
St Joseph's day bread
twice baked double cheese potatoes
Frank's linguine with clam sauce
and washed it down with --
Genesee Cream Ale, in a 16 ounce bottle ('da pounder)
loganberry juice
Vernor's
Old Vienna
Visniak or Black Rock pop
You slam on the brakes and slow to a crawl whenever you see the "Village of Kenmore" sign.
You compare ice scrapers with your buddies.
You watch Canadian television, just so you can see US shows a day or two earlier than they would appear in the States.
You break out the shades and shorts when the temperature goes higher than 50 for the first time of the year.
Your idea of a seven-course meal is a six pack of Genny Cream Ale and a bucket of wings.
Your pockets are filled with old Metro Rail tickets.
You flinch when you hear the words "wide right" or "in the crease."
You think of a high school, not a cartoon, when you hear references to "South Park."
Your house has a "Florida room" and an above ground swimming pool.
You think driving is better in the winter, because the potholes are filled in with snow.
You think Amherst residents are snobs ... but say you're from there to impress dates.
Your grocery shopping list includes rock salt.
You go "hshhhhhh" whenever a story about a fire or the Bills appears on the news.
You can make coins land perfectly in the toll basket at 20 MPH or higher.
You know what "wind chill factor" and "lake effect snow" means.
You grew up watching The Uncle Bobby Show, The Beachcombers, The King of Kensington, Mister Dressup, The Friendly Giant and Sesame Street in French ("un, deux, trois ...").
You think Halloween lasts two days.
You think it's perfectly acceptable to take a day off work on ...
Dyngus Day
St. Joseph's Day
St. Patrick's Day
St. Stanislaus Day
Ash Wednesday
the Monday after a Bills victory
You use your garage as the living room during the summer, putting a big screen over where the overhead door would be.
You can recite Metro Rail announcements from memory
("Theatrestationlaststopinthefreefarezone-dingdingding").
You still go to all the neighborhood and ethnic festivals, even though all of them are really the same.
Your one bedroom apartment has a huge dining room, but a tiny bedroom.
You know the lyrics to --
"You Know We're Gonna' Win That Cup"
The Bills "Shout" song
Any song by Rush
"Talkin' Proud"
The Crystal Beach "pay one price" jingle
The Tops "Tops never stops saving you more" jingle
The Sattlers "998 Broadway" jingle, even if you weren't alive when they were still in business
You have gotten into fights over topics like --
Malecki vs Sahlen vs Wardynski vs Shelly vs Redlinski (weiners)
Anchor Bar vs Duff's (chicken wings)
Bocce Club vs Leonardi's (pizza)
Tops vs Wegmans (supermarkets)
the fastest way to drive to Washington, DC
You watch reruns of the Paul McGuire Show on the Empire Sports Network -- in May.
You have seen all the real TV shows SCTV sketches are based on.
You know SCTV material as well as, if not better than, Monty Python sketches.
You go to Niagara Falls for the outlet shopping and the Italian food, not the scenery.
You spend hours planning drives to avoid toll booths.
You think the characters on the Saturday Night Live "Da' Bears" skits eat lightly.
Your snowblower has more horsepower than your car ... and you use it about as often.
You've ever sarcastically said "Fun? Wow!"
Your personal ad in the Buffalo News mentions ethnic preferences ... Polish, Italian or Irish.
One of your friends claims to have known Ani DiFranco or a Goo Goo Doll from high school.
You can identify neighborhoods by smell alone.
You think "Lesbos" is another new family restaurant on Elmwood Avenue.
You have more than one shovel in your garage.
Your car has more rust than exposed paint.
You stocked up on Malecki hot dogs after you heard the company was going out of business.
You've ever gotten a speeding ticket on the Youngmann Expressway ("Da' Tooninney") ... but still drive insanely fast on it.
You've ever ordered a Bob & John's pizza and wings wrapped "to go" when heading out of state.
You've ever stocked up on Chiavetta's, sponge candy, or Weber's horseradish mustard.
You blindfold newcomers on your carpool to Bills games so they won't give away your "secret route."
How Many Buffalonians
does it take to screw in a light bulb?
How many West Siders does it take to screw in a light bulb?
I dunno exactly, but my brother's girlfriend's father's boss' secretary's sister's next door neighbor's priest's cousin's union shop steward's uncle's Knights of Columbus Club Sergeant-at-Arms' nephew's best friend did it real cheap for me once.
How many Delaware District residents does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One, but it takes a year to find an antique Edison light bulb so it will be architecturally accurate.
How many Riverside residents does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None - Satan prefers black candles instead.
How many South Buffalonians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two - one to hold the bulb, the other to give the first guy pints of Guinness to start him spinning.
How many Williamsville/Amherst residents does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None - they have a service come in once a week and do it.
How many East Amherst residents does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One, and it will be the biggest and brightest light bulb in the entire subdivision!
How many Orchard Park residents does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Light bulbs? ... that's so Amherst. We're above that.
How many Kenmore residents does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two - one to do it and a cop to make sure he isn't doing it too fast.
How many Tonawanda residents does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Just one, but it has to look like every other light bulb on the block.
How many Lancaster residents does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None - they're afraid there's been too much light bulb development already.
How many Hamburg residents does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two - one to get the new bulb out of the snowbank, and one to screw it in.
How many Southtowners does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Fifty-one - one to screw in the light bulb, and fifty members of Spirit of Youth to sing a happy song about it at the Erie County Fair.
How many Buffalo city planners does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Six - four to write an extensive study recommending a three-way 100/200/250 watt light bulb, one to write a series of articles in the Buffalo News praising the study, and one to put in a 10 watt bulb instead.
How many Buffalo municipal employees does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Seven - two to administer the Civil Service examination for the Light Bulb Administrator position, the Commissioner of Public Works, who ends up hiring his brother for the position anyway, one to plow the mayor's driveway, a Summer Youth student to actually screw it in, and a union steward to protest that it's the electrician's job to screw in light bulbs.
How many Buffalo senior citizens does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One, but they pay a telemarketer $2000 for the new bulb.
How many of Buffalo's Protestants does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Both of them.
How many Rochester residents does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Sixty-one - one to screw in the bulb, and sixty to comment about how much brighter the bulb is than light bulbs in Buffalo.
How many Torontonians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Just one, but they leave the old bulb in the parking lot of the Galleria Mall.
How many Nardin Academy students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Just one-she holds up the bulb, and the world revolves around her.
How many Canisius College students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Nine - one to order the bulb from J. Crew, one to buy a case of Molson, one to hold the bulb up, one to drive the Saab in real tight circles and five to stand around and say "duuuuuude."
How many UB students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
25,000 - twenty to write the grant proposal requesting funds to study the effect of earthquakes on light bulbs, one to screw in the bulb, and 24,979 to whine about how Buffalo light bulbs suck compared to those back on Long Island.
A first grade teacher explains to her class that
she is a Miami fan on the first day of school. She asks her students to
raise their hands if they are Miami fans too. No one really knew what a
Miami fan was, but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands explode
into the air like flashy fireworks.
There is, however, one exception.
A girl named Karen who has not gone along with the crowd. The teacher asks
her why she has decided to be different. "Because I'm not a Miami fan."
"Then",asks the teacher, "what are you ?" "Why,
I'm a proud Bills fan," boasts the little girl.
The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face
slightly red. She asks Karen why she is a rebel. "Well, my Mom and
dad are Bills fans, so I'm a Bills fan too." The teacher is now angry.
"That's no reason," she says loudly. "What if your Mom was
a moron, and your dad was a moron. What would you be then?"
A pause, and a smile... "Then", says Karen, "I'd be a Miami
fan."