Matthew Dickerson, Reprinted from the Addison Independent, December 30, 1999.
In honor of my favorite outdoor writer Patrick McManus, whose books have kept me laughing for countless hours, I present to you this list of Christmas presents for the avid angler. Unfortunately, I didn't receive any of these gifts this year, but that's only because they haven't yet been invented.
First I'd like a truth detector. I know that law-enforcement agencies have had lie-detectors for years, but those are useless on fishermen. Fishermen lie all the time: about the size of their catch, the location of their favorite spots, what flies or lures they've been using, etc. A lie detector would be going off constantly. What we need is a detector that can determine those rare occasions when a fisherman has told the truth.
On the subject of alarms, I'd also like a portable alarm that alerts me whenever I've left something behind. I can't count all the good knives, fishing hats, and six dollar lures I've lost by setting them down on the banks of streams and never picking them up. You know the routine. You stop for a quick rest or to clean a fish and set down some important item on the rock next to you. Twenty minutes later you get up and leave without it--not realizing your mistake until the next day. This alarm system would communicate by sattelite to a computer with an inventory of your entire fishing vest, and would keep tabs on the locations of all items.
I'd also like a handful of realistic fake tangles for my fishing line. Real tangles (also known as reel tangles) are easy enough to produce at close range. (For tangles at a distance, see the final paragraph below.) What I've noticed is that every time I get a debilitating tangle, the fish start feeding agressively. Knowing that their feeding frenzy will last only minutes, I work frantically to get my line untangled, but the line senses my despair and resists with determined effort. What I need is a fake tangle that will fool the fish into thinking I'm out of commission so that they will start to feed, at which point I simply slip off the fake tangle and start catching them.
Also high on my wish list is a rude fisherman repellent. This gift requires little explanation. I don't know of an angler who hasn't been out fishing when another with fewer scruples has moved in too close. A little bit of this spray in the air (or perhaps directly on their person if they're within range) and instantly they're overcome with an intense desire to leave. We have repellents for just about every other nuisance. Why not for rude fishermen? And while we're at it, let's get one for loud boaters.
On a similar vein, I'd like a remote line-tangling device equipped with laser sights. Two years ago I was flycasting at the bottom of some ledges on a small trout stream in Maine when I heard a loud splash in the water. My heart leapt with a sudden adrenaline rush as I looked for the ripples where some monster fish had broken the surface. Instead I saw a huge bass lure being dragged across the water right where I was casting. Standing on the ledge fifteen feet above me was some guy from Florida trying to knock the trout unconscious with half-pound plugs. One little shot from my laser-guided and his reel would have been rendered ineffective for weeks. Again, this should be an easy device to invent since we all know how easy it is to tangle reels. In fact, that makes me wonder whether somebody else has already invented one and has been using it on me.